The ….’s at the end of the sentence above are space for one or more of the following:

-music is too loud

-you want to sit down at a concert

-your breasts have stretched to your belly button

- you’d rather stay in than have a night out

- you just don’t want to have sex any more

- policemen start looking too young

Recently I was listening to the radio and a well known rapper was talking about what older people would say in response to his music. He said that people would quite openly tell him that they didn’t like his work or that they thought it was rubbish. Hearing him speak he really did sound like an offended youth, thinking that people who didn’t like his music were simply out of touch with reality.

The interviewer asked him how he coped with that and he replied that in the past he used to become quite upset by people’s comments. Sometimes getting defensive and fighting back against their unsolicited feedback. This can’t be an easy thing to do, as there is a sort of in built rule that even though those older than you can be wrong, you still should respect their wrongness. That there is something about your granny saying “This isn’t bloody music, it’s just a lot of talking and shouting” that makes her right despite the fact that you might secretly enjoy a bit of Eminem.

Then he said he changed his approach to the people who told him they didn’t like his work. Instead of getting offended by it, he asked himself “Would this feedback mean as much to me if it were being said by a 4 year old?”

Of course the answer was “No!”

If a 4 year old child walked up to you and said “Your work is rubbish and I don’t like your hair” your response would probably be to say go away and think what a rude and silly child have silly moment. You would forget about it very quickly and take their comments with a pinch of salt.

You could take any offensive comment and hear/see/experience in your mind a little 4 year old saying the bad words your boss/partner/mum/whoever said. Maybe you can image it is a little 4 year old them saying it. I bet you’ll end up reacting very very differently to them!

And I wonder then, what would happen if you only ever became offended like a 4 year old. This would I believe involve saying “Well I don’t care!” Then you need to stamp you foot, march and and very quickly get distracted by an aeroplane in the sky, or do a dance or draw a picture and instantly forget about what was said and get on with doing something else instead.

By Gemma Bailey
www.HypnotherapyandNLP.co.uk

Sainsbury’s, Tesco’s and Boot’s all reward me for shopping with them. If I buy an offer online, I am sometimes rewarded with a bonus. If I pay my car insurance in one lump I am rewarded with a discount.

But do rewards still work?

I was recently at an event where the speaker offered rewards to action-takers in his sales pitch. People got up and ran to the sales desk so clearly reward do have some power.

Ultimately a reward is getting something in exchange for you doing something. For example, someone near my house has lost a springer spaniel called Poppy. If I find their dog, I get the reward. It’s a simple exchange.

But Tesco’s and Sainsbury have a much smarter tac-tic, they get you to give first, then they reward you but to redeem your reward you must give more.

Therapy works more like the Sainsbury’s theory. The client has to make the first move and contact a coach or therapist. Then they are given techniques to help them help themselves which they can benefit from, but they must pay for these. Sometimes the payment is about the cold hard cash, sometimes it’s about what they need to invest emotionally, or let go of mentally.

But the reward doesn’t end there. The impact of the client starting be who they want to be or stopping doing whatever caused them a problem before knocks onto other areas of their lives in a useful, positive way. The rewards continue and so must the investment. The client must continue to invest their positive thinking and energy into their new skills or else the rewarding will stop.

Sometimes the rewards may not seem big enough, fast enough or vast enough and the client may stop investing. It’s important therefore to understand what rewards the client wants, when they want them and if they are realistically achievable. Writing this down can be likened to the terms and conditions that come with your shopping rewards.

Sometimes however, it’s useful to feel comfortable with not being rewarded straight away. To do things just because that is what you have to do. Sometimes people struggle with this because they are so used to getting rapid intense reward. Those who are overweight enjoy the benefits of rapid intense reward when they overfill themselves with food that was unhealthy and unneeded. To have to stop that behaviour and exercise might even imply a degree and period of pain to achieve.

The reward in changing this behaviour for the long term gain however is far greater than the short term gain of chocolate cake. It might mean living a few years longer and having a fitter freer life. Missing out on instant rewards can sometimes mean that the long term pay off is far greater.

It can also be useful to adjust to doing things without any rewards at all. Doing things just because. Usually these are the things that you end up with being rewarded for the most. A client recently told me he knows he is a nice man because he once helped a couple with a young baby whose car had broken down. He let them stay the night at his house and he never heard from them again. There was not reward – only the internal one of knowing that made him a jolly nice chap.

It’s as if letting go and moving on is giving up. And that giving up means we must have failed in someway.

Sometimes the failure is in having made a poor decision. A decision to cling and continue to make our own lives a greater uncomfortable challenge than they really need to be.

For some people, this happens because their pain threshold is too high. They will allow themselves to be emotionally beaten up many times before they decide they have had enough – if they ever even manage to get to that stage.

Here are some classic examples of when people end up wishing they’d let go and moved on sooner than they did:

Working in a job you hate.
Being in a relationship that isn’t working.
Wanting a debt to be repaid.
Holding onto spite, hatred or hurt when someone has behaved wrongly towards you.
Unrequited love.

Is letting go the same as forgiveness? Possibly. If you let go but do not forgive, some of your time and energy will still be going into “it” which could imply you have not really let go yet.

It is not essential to feel repelled by what occurred, although that can help initially. It is more important to get to a point of not really caring for it any longer. The word to describe that emotion is “whatever.” You need to be feeling “whatever” about it. You need to reach the point when you look back on that ex-partner/old boss/friend who never repaid you/abuser/love vampire and think “oh, her.” Instead of “ARGH!”

Time helps achieve this and so does making a decent promise to yourself. The decent promise is made up of a few vital elements:

1)    Next time I will vet/screen the other party/situation/opportunity much more thoroughly before committing myself.
2)    I will be very clear about my own expectations
3)    I will ensure I understand others expectations of me
4)    I will have a clear idea about what is/isn’t right for me
5)    I will change things/put a stop to it when I become dissatisfied
6)    That bad thing that happened before, I won’t let that happen again. Never ever. I will never compromise my emotions/sanity/gut feeling because I like myself enough to be able to walk away with my head held high and not feel bad about it whatsoever.

Something I often say to clients who are experiencing a challenge that requires them to let go and move on is to talk to themselves in the same way they would talk to their best friend/favourite nephew if that best friend/favourite nephew were having exactly the same problem in exactly the same circumstances.

Often they will say things like

“I’d tell her it’s not worth all this stress she should just let go and move on!”

“I’d tell him to follow his gut feeling.”

“I’d tell him enough is enough.”

“I’d say “I love you but you’re making a bad choice if you stick with this one.””

This is a good exercise to do as essentially the client is then giving themselves the advice they need to hear.

You can tell your inner best friend/internal nephew other useful things at useful times too.

“If anyone can do it, you can.”

“Good job you clever sausage!”

“That’s enough reading, back to work!”

My challenge around asking for help (I have psycho-analysed) has something to do with me being:

a)    Independent from a young age
b)   A bit shy sometimes (yes me!)
c)    A dislike of admitting I can’t do something
d)   Feeling as if I’ve I’m a failure for having been unable to do it myself
e)    Being a bit of a stubborn git
f)     I have been let down by others when I have asked for help before

As I write this, I actually feel like a wally for even having listed those things. But I want to be honest. I don’t like asking for help.

Of course all of these attribute are in many ways serving and brilliant. Having had my own front door key from the age of 7 and 3 or 4 hours home alone after school whilst my mum was still at work, made me pretty self-sufficient. If I wanted food I had to make it, if I wanted something from a high shelf or cupboard I had to climb up there to get it. If I didn’t know how to answer a question in my homework I would make one up! The positive implications of this later on meant that I do not need to call anyone to help me put together Ikea furniture and I am not worried by having to figure things out on my own.

As a result of growing up as an only child and being an independent one, there was a tendency to not “need” friends so much. I was ok by myself. Now being in a job where I have to be quite extroverted, advising people and being on stage and teaching or speaking, I quite enjoy being able to hide away in my shell afterwards to recharge my batteries.

After a while, it’s easy to get used to doing stuff alone – and doing it well. In some ways when you then have to start delegating to others it can be difficult to let go and see them doing things in a totally different way to how you would do it. Most things I have attempted to do I have done, and the ones I haven’t done I’ve conveniently forgotten about! So when I meet a challenge that I can’t do, some people will act surprise and tease me for it. I’d rather keep attempting to figure it out myself than ask for help. It is extremely gratifying to be able to say “Yes I did do all of that and yes I did it completely by myself.” This has in the past given me a somewhat smug feeling, that I have rather enjoyed.

Obviously avoiding failure speaks for itself. It means I have been far more focused on achieving which has been a good thing.

So with all of that learning, being a bit of a stubborn git is no great surprise!

The sad bit is I don’t remember any epic incidents where others have let me down so I’m not too sure where that came from. Perhaps it has more to do with a low expectation of others. However, that feeling of being let down by others has certainly encouraged me to be more resourceful – to learn how to do as much as I can without leaning on others.

Now here’s the down side to this character trait:

When you try to do everything independently, it is exhausting, stressful, tense and sometimes lonely. Sometimes you fail to learn easier ways of doing things that others have learned and can teach you.

If you let others help you and you find the right people, you can have a team that gets things done far quicker than you could do by yourself.

By letting others help, you can relax as you know it is safe to sleep with both eyes shut. You don’t have to always be the one on guard.

Several things can get done at once when there is someone to help and having someone to help might actually be good fun.

Plus, what is the point in being the only one who is good at what you do? You might get hit by a bus tomorrow and then all of your secret skills will be gone with you. When you get help from others, you may well be helping them too by having them there. They can learn from you and your legacy can continue long into the future, even when you are not here to do it yourself.

The next time someone tells you “You need to get some help!” Don’t take it as an insult, embrace the insight they have given you and get your team together.

During grief people quite often feel stuck in a kind of darkness, a weird void whilst the rest of the world and life continues outside of the grief bubble. People experiencing grief may find comfort with others experiencing that same grief, but if not, it can feel like a lonely tunnel.

Grief can be experienced as a response to any kind of loss – although it is largely linked with death, one can grieve a broken relationship, friends that moved away or even changes in their circumstances.

When I was 18 my first car, (an orange mini) was hit by a petrol tanker – with me in it. The car took all the impact of the crash and it was “killed instantly” whilst I was largely ok.

I was in shock for a good week afterwards, not least because it was a terrible accident in which if a few minor factors had have worked out differently, I would have been much more seriously injured. However there was also a great sense of grief. My first car had represented many things to me. It was the source of my freedom, a symbol of my adulthood, a representation that I was part of a club that not all of my friends had been able to pass the test to get into. I’d used my hard earned cash to care for it, save up for it even though it was largely worthless in monetary terms. It was also something I had taken great pride in. I kept it clean and fixed it when it wouldn’t start.

The days following its “death” my grief also came from the fact that I had taken good care of this piece of machinery and it had in it’s final moments taken the full force of the accident and protected me.

Yes I know it was just a car – everyone said this – but I still felt this pain within as if someone had dropped a brick on my stomach. I randomly got upset, kept thinking of the good times and getting upset about those too, I was withdrawn, stressed and I didn’t sleep well for a good while.

During the days afterwards, I had arrangements and preparations as if it were a funeral! I had to contact the insurers, the company of the tanker, the DVLA, go to the hospital and get a physical assessment done.

I largely think of myself as a fairly practical strong willed person so I know what you’re thinking! It was just a car!

My point is though that people can experience grief for a variety of different circumstances. There will be common themes to all grief but everyone will react in their own personal way. Everyone too will find comfort in different ways. Here are some of what worked for me:

Sort “stuff” – It helped me to get through the technical parts of the process as fast as possible. So the sorting bits of paper, clearing out of belongings and putting those in a new home.

Gather the memories that are important to keep – This doesn’t necessarily mean only positive memories. For example, my old mini had the petrol cap stolen and it was a real pain as I was scared to drive without a petrol cap but had to drive to get a new one. Some years later my mum had all the trees from her house cut down and in amongst the branches she found my petrol cap! I’ve kept it because whenever I have a hair-brain idea about one day getting a classic car, it reminds me that my old car, despite how much I loved it – was insecure and often vandalized. Remembering (and not just remembering good stuff) can be important if you are grieving a relationship break up. It can remind you that it wasn’t wonderful all of the time and means you will only have to grieve the relationship and not the person you split up with too.

Remember that the pain goes – Although there will be good days and bad, generally over time, the pain goes and you start to feel, become and act more normal again. You’ll take as much time is right for you and even though in the future you may look back and still feel the sadness, you will get better.

I am not a procrastinator. I think like many people, there are some things that I find it easier to get on and do than other things. However recently I have been so busy I was fully aware that I had lost (or momentarily misplaced) the skills of spontaneity.

Tiredness, business, busyness and sheer laziness had been holding me back. I realised it was June and I hadn’t kept my new years resolutions. Of course many people do not keep their new years resolutions. However they tend to realise this before June!

I was aware of the problem and decided I’d do something about it. As soon as I had the time…

Then last weekend, I rather randomly thought of a composer and pianist that I really wanted to see in concert. On Friday night at about 11pm, I searched for him in the Internet to see when his next visit to London might be. To my surprise he was performing in London the next night!

I thought about how busy I was. I thought about how I should really think about spending my money on other things, I thought about the fact I’m in the middle of a master practitioner training and have to get up early. So I decided not to go and instead see when he would be returning to London later in the year.

Sometimes when there is something you just need to get on and do, life will give you a poke. Sometimes pokes from life might be painful or uncomfortable but sometimes they are just pokey. I’m pleased to report that this poke was the pokey sort.

You see the composer was not returning to London again this year. Here was my chance to see/hear/experience some amazing music that I’d been longing to enjoy live for the last 3 or 4 years.

So I had a word with myself. I reminded myself that tiredness, laziness, business and busyness don’t have any arms. Therefore there was no conceivable way that they could be “holding me back.” The only thing holding me back was the limitations of my thinking- the only thing stopping me, was me.

So I got myself a ticket to the concert and I went. As I write this I’m on the train home evaluating my spontaneous decision.

Would it have been easier if I’d stayed home tonight? Yes.
Would I have got more sleep if I hadn’t gone out? Yes.
Could I have waited until next year to attend a concert with this composer? Yes.

But ultimately I’m going to be working better over the next few weeks as I’ve met a need within myself. I’ve also had a brilliant time and got a lovely memory of it for the memory bank. Yes I am very tired but, I’m also sharing a train carriage with a bunch of Bon Jovi fans (I think they must have been in concert tonight too) and I’m reminded of a relevant song lyric by said long-haired rock band. “I’ll live while I’m alive and sleep when I’m dead. ”

If you have been lacking spontaneity like I had, I’d like to remind you in the kindest possible way that YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.  It is a sad but true fact and no matter what happens next you may not get the opportunities available to you today ever again.

It’s important that you make the most of them.

Crap. I just missed my station. Damn spontaneity!!!!

People with problems spend too much time inside.

I don’t mean that they don’t get enough fresh air (though that will hardly do any harm.) I mean inside their own heads.

People who worry are inside their heads all the time. They are having a chat with themselves about all the things that might go horribly wrong. Inside, they say to themselves, “But what if THIS happened?! Oh my, that would be just terrible.” Then they imagine how terrible it would be and they feel rotten about it.

People who are jealous are inside too. They are inside making up conversations of lust that their partners are having with everyone other than themselves. They hear the adultery happening and see scenes of cheating. They are inside their heads having the argument they are expecting to have the day they catch their partner with their best friends significant other.

Those who are stressed are inside. They are inside reminding themselves of everything they need to remember to be stressed about and all of the unfinished business that they still haven’t finished. They are inside telling themselves “My head is aching, I’m tired and my body is tight.” Stressed people have to remember to be stressed, otherwise they might forget about it and it may go away. That wouldn’t work as then they’d have to worry about what they’d forgotten about (see worry above.)

Ill people are inside. They are inside wondering “What is wrong with my body?” Then the body freaks out and might really make them ill. If Ill people come outside, sometimes their pain goes away. This is not useful to them as then they would no longer be ill. All that poor-me-self-love would have to stop and they’d need to find another way to meet that need.

Those that do not get to sleep at night are inside too much. This is probably the worse kind of inside to be because going to sleep is quite frankly none of your business. It’s something that likes to sneak up on you when you are not looking for it. If you lay there looking for wee Willy Winky all night, he won’t come and you’ll be there until the small hours until you finally admit defeat and stop trying to find him.

Why won’t people come outside more?

Being outside means facing up to what’s outside. Sometimes outside is nice, but sometimes it is not. It can be boring or honest or sad outside. There is no control outside (there is only an illusion of it inside) and no order of the others who are outside too. At least inside you know what to expect from the rest of the world but on the outside the world is unpredictable.

Outside can be cold or thundery with high pressures. It can be grey and dark and lonely.

It can also be bright, sunny and warm, though you might have to make the effort to go elsewhere for warmer climates.

The most important thing about outside though, is the spectrum that you can experience.  There is so much more outside than there is inside. It’s interesting too how when you’ve spent a lot of time outside, it has a positive impact on the inside.

Being outside means you can really listen and engage with others, you can let your body run itself and your unconscious solve the problems you have without your ego getting in the way.

So if I knocked and said “It’s a beautiful day, would you like to come out and play?” Would you come outside?

The first step is to identify what causes you stress. Take 10 minutes to think about what happens in your day-to-day life that stresses you out. Can it be eliminated? For example if you are always late for work, could you get up earlier so you are not stressed about being late? If it is something you can’t eliminate is there a way of making it less stressful? Just by being aware of what causes you stress you can begin to develop strategies to make things less stressful, or eliminate the stress altogether.

Secondly, don’t procrastinate!! It is always easier to think “I’ll do it tomorrow” but mysteriously tomorrow never comes and before you know it the project you were supposed to hand in to your boss is due and you have an hour to do it in!! Wouldn’t life be so much less stressful if you didn’t leave things until the last minute? Think of something that motivates you… Maybe having a less stressful life is a goal you would like to achieve. By getting things done on time you will find that you are not so stressed out about work projects, as your workload will seem smaller and more easy to manage.

Another step is to get organised. Clutter can cause stress, do you find that your work desk is always covered with various bits of paper, half of which you probably don’t even need? If this resonates with you, then you should definitely follow this step. Start by removing all of the items on your desk, put it all in neat piles on the floor. Clean your desk… isn’t it amazing how big and shiny it is! Wouldn’t it be nice to see it like that more often? File the papers away; make the top of your desk as minimalistic as you can. A clear desk and home creates a clear and stress free mind.

Adapt the stressor, by looking at the stressor in a more positive way you can change how you feel about it. For example, instead of being stuck in a traffic jam and focusing on how annoying it is. Think of it as an opportunity to regroup, listen to music or enjoy some alone time.

Lastly and most importantly, exercise. Some of you may think you don’t have the time to exercise, but it is so easy to incorporate into your daily life. Go for a walk in your lunch break; take the stairs instead of the lift. Not only is exercise great for relieving stress; it also helps to eliminate stress build up in the first place. The endorphins released during exercise will make you feel more relaxed, just by having a more upright, relaxed posture you will start to feel less stressed, as your body will not be so tense.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this and of course any other ideas on how to relieve stress…

By Gemma Bailey
www.nlp4kids.org

But I failed. It didn’t work, I didn’t do it. My goal is just a piece of paper on my dream board. I’ve nothing more to show for it than the ideas in my head. I did everything I could but it didn’t manifest.

Why?

Is it because it wasn’t the right time, because my horoscope said so and I didn’t take heed? Because I didn’t plan the goal properly or take enough action?

No.

It was just massively unrealistic.

It was ecological, it was good for me, good for others and it aligned alright with the greater good. It was achievable – for someone who had the skills necessary. But it wasn’t realistic in the context of me and where I was starting from and where I wanted to end up. It was wishful and hopeful and needy, but it wasn’t possible.

You might think “ah, a beliefs issue. A hidden underlying one about your abilities.” Though I really did believe in myself right up until the day that I looked at the date of the goal and then realised the current date.

Then I reviewed and discovered it was a hopeful goal and not a realistic one.

Setting unrealistic goals leaves you doomed for failure. You might be mistaken to think that goal setting doesn’t work. It does. That said it only works if you stick to the rules of realistic.

Being realistic means being honest with yourself. It means really looking at your planning. Now when I look at setting that goal again, I think about the timeline involved. The chunks of “stuff” I’d need to do each day to get to the result, work backwards from the success to see if those chunks each day are manageable. If they are not, I should realize pretty early on. Before, I’d just cracked on with what I thought I needed to do without the backwards planning (what needs to happen just before I get to my goal, and what has to happen just before that.) Then right before my completion date I realised I wasn’t going to make it.

If your goal involves other people (it always does) then you have to consider what is realistic from their perspective. It might be realistic to assume that the rest of the world will love your goal, but they might not. It’s worth checking in advance before you go putting all your eggy hopes into that one basket.

Be around honest people. There’s a lot of people who will encourage you and spur you on (some of them will take your money for that privilege) but that doesn’t mean that they have any clue whatsoever about this goal being realistic or realistic for you.

They might have done it and achieved it themselves and so tell you all the right things to do and the right steps to make, but that’s always their way. They might not have the same circumstances and psychology as you (they haven’t) and so their success will be unique to them. Yours will be unique to you.

Of course it is totally achievable, just do your homework on the realistic bit too.

By Gemma Bailey
www.gemmabailey.co.uk

A very talented speaker I know once said to an audience of 6000 people “If you suddenly had to find an extra £10,000 in the next two weeks could you do it. Most of the audience said no. Then he asked “Could you find it if not getting it meant that you would die? Or that one of your children would die.” Of course the response was suddenly very different.

It’s not the thing that fits in the gap above for you that’s stopping you. It’s the fact that you believe that the excuse is true. Stop telling yourself this rubbish, you’re real truth is that you can do and be better than that.

2) You do not focus for long enough. You flit from one idea to the next without giving them enough time to develop and grow.

In the movie “The Secret” there is a scene where a plant is just about to burst through some soil, and something along the lines of “if you’d given up at the point right before it came up through the soil, it would never grow.”

Whilst this movie has caused some confusion about how to get what you want, this is a good metaphor. If you give up on your hopes and dreams because they didn’t reward you quickly enough you will find yourself constantly looking for the next best thing.

If you want it badly enough it is worth nurturing and waiting for.

3) You give your power to others.

It surprises me that there are so many smart, intelligent people in life who seem to have it sorted but one area of their life is not causing them the happiness they desire.

For example, they may have a successful job but be totally unfulfilled in their relationship and be reluctant to do anything about it, in the hope that the other person will instead!

Giving your power to others and having them make decisions for you will ultimately prevent you from stretching and growing yourself. Failure to grow will hold you back from having what you really want.

You are a powerful beautiful being. Embrace that and start taking control of your life. All of it!

4) You blame others.

Again we have something outside of the self as the cause of you stopping doing what you should/could/want to do with your life.

It is easy to justify other people as the reason why we are prevented. Be it parents from childhood, bank managers or bosses, we can easily believe that they have some sort of magical influence on our lives that can hold us back.

But you and I know the real truth.

That we are here for just a fraction of all of time on this beautiful planet and your life is your own to do as you please with it, but you had wasted precious time. Now is the time to begin to fully live your life, without letting others get in the way.

5) You don’t believe it should be easy.

You operate from the philosophy that life is hard. As such, that is the experience you repeatedly create.

There may be problems that stop you from getting what you want or from going where you want to go. This problems may appear very real, but of course they are really all made up. They are made up of your perception of them and your fear of them.

When you say “whatever” or “bring it on!” to your problems it causes them to behave differently.

If you can continuously do something differently, eventually it becomes easy.

Perhaps you could continuously live your life differently until your perception shows you that life can be easy. It really can.

6) You lost your faith.

This doesn’t mean religious faith (though it could) but knowing that you are loved, cared for and that something greater than yourself is watching over you and guiding you in the right direction can make the set backs a little easier to take and the rainy days a little easier to tolerate.

You absolutely should believe in, if nothing else, your own ability to do in life whatever you want to do.

7) You just don’t want it badly enough.

Maybe the thing that stops you is that you had slightly deluded yourself about how badly you wanted it. After all if you wanted it that badly, you’d never give up.