Rubbish.

I have consistently focused on a new car (whilst still cherishing the old one for continuing to start each day) for the last 4 years and I still haven’t got one. How long specifically does it take for a thought to manifest itself into a thing?

And what then of all of the so called negative thoughts I have on a day to day basis? If I think “I should put my seat belt on incase I crash” am I manifesting a crash for the future which I then need to take responsibility for, because I thought it and brought it into my awareness?

I remember once teaching a room full of NLP Practitioners & Master Practitioners and giving them ‘Rules For The Room’, which was a list of “whilst in the room do not do this…” Two People on the course objected to the “don’t do this…” list because they felt it wasn’t very NLP to focus on what we didn’t want.

The truth is though there are plenty of times when knowing what you do not want is as important (if not more so) than what you do want.

I do not want to ever experience a plane crash, but I am glad someone has dedicated their lifes work into formulating the plans of what steps to take should one occur. Did that person die in a plane crash as a result of thinking about them so much? What about hair dressers who mix hair colours in a particular way because they want to avoid giving the customer green or orange hair. Does it happen because they are thinking about it?

Do the people who fit abs breaks continuously drive into lamp posts when they’re on the road?

Knowing what you need to avoid can be both useful and important. More than that it is sometimes the driver for diverting you towards what you do want instead. Sometimes people forget the final step of being diverted to what they want and this is obviously a problem. But if there is a clear balance between what you don’t want and what you do, then this should keep the affirmations positive but importantly realistic too.

What does an NLPer say when their child is about to run out in front of a bus?

“That’s a lovely walking style to make it even better when crossing the road, wait until the bus is passed but overall it is lovely to see you being so independant”

Whereas most others say “Stop!” “Don’t cross when there is a bus coming or you will get run over!” The NLPers will all be worrying about the unconscious not processing the negatives in the sentence but there are times when we must focus on what to avoid. Back it up with details about what you want and feed back positively when you see it. Don’t rule out the away froms. Being negative isn’t always negative (especially if it is backed up with a positive).

When you have decided something, it brings with it commitment and comfort. These are strong emotions that have a sense of security and stability. They meet the need for certainty, which allows you to relax and be completely at ease.

Knowing carries similar weight. When you know something there is certainty in the knowledge you have. You can be more solid and more sure than when you do not know.

Deciding and knowing give a sense of completion. The questions and conundrums are solved. The boxes are ticked. The thing you were considering you need not give anymore of your attention to, because it is resolved and sorted.

Prior to knowing and deciding is choosing. This occurs when you have finalised some viable options. You know that there is a suitable direction but you need to choose which one. Choosing is great because in “choice” you know there are several direction you can take but it doesn’t have the comfort of knowing or having decided.

In NLP we talk a lot about the benefits of confusion. How that state is simply your own minds way of searching for the solution. Confusion is good because it means you are trying to find the right way forward and that you are open to the possibilities that there are available.

So we know that the final chapter is deciding or knowing, before that is choice and before that is confusion, which is the search for solutions. Before those however, is another state of mind. It is one far more powerful in my opinion than any of the other previously mentioned.

It is the state of mind called not knowing. Not knowing what to do has enormous power. Most people see not knowing as a weakness and are keen to get themselves out of this state as quickly as possible. I’m going to suggest that we all spend a bit more time basking in not knowing. Here’s why:

When you don’t know, there are many ways in which you can know. When you haven’t decided, there are many options of decisions you can make. They say knowledge is power, but when you know, you are much less likely to ever look for or consider the other ways in which you could have known. Not knowing is power!

When you haven’t decided, you can have a million different options available to you, but without yet being aware of what they are.

Take this analogy. Lets say that you want to get from Hertfordshire to North Wales. This is a journey you have never taken before and you do not know the way. At this moment in time you do not know how to get there and you have not decided how to get there.

You could then move into a state of confusion where you are looking at a map, trying to establish the general direction from Hertfordshire to North Wales.

Out of the confusion comes a choice between motorway or A-roads to get there. It’s one or the other so you weight up the choices and out of those you then know the best option and you make your decision. Motorway it is.

But if we go back in time to the powerful state of not know and not deciding, we’ll find that there were so many other options that were not available later once confusion had set in.

When you didn’t know and you hadn’t decided here are just some of the other options that were available to you:

Helicopter
Air balloon
Pogo stick
Bike
Rollerblades
Rocket

The next time you don’t know or can’t decide, embrace the uncertainty, which is also an essential human need. Enjoy the awareness of the options and choices available to you, even though you don’t know yet, what they may be.

Then get yourself out of not knowing not by trying to know but simply by asking yourself “What would happen if I did know/decide?” In knowing what you would get as the outcome of your decision or knowledge, you may find yourself making a better quality choice than if you allowed a natural state of confusion and decision to take hold.

One of my best accounts of having used NLP “live” (as in the person I was using it on didn’t know I was doing it) was when I was out with a friend of mine who had recently separated from her boyfriend. We knew that on this particular evening out there was the possibility of bumping into the ex boyfriend so she was in a bit of a “wound up” state.

As we sat with our bottle of wine in the pub, a song came on in the background. As my friend began to tune into it, aware of the familiarity of it, she started to cry. Through the blubs and wails she explained that this had been “their” song (her and the ex boyfriends) and that she still loved him so much.

It’s a good job I’m a therapist and not a counsellor because sympathy just isn’t my thing. I reached over and touched her shoulder and said “Err, there, there. It’s all going to be fine, I’m sure he was an idiot anyway.”

This was closely followed by a snot-filled-rage in which she exclaimed how she couldn’t believe how he had treated her “how could he do this?!” etc and how much she hated him. When this stage kicked in, I quickly withdrew my comforting hand.

Those of you who know NLP will have identified that I’d accidentally “Anchored” her melancholy state to her shoulder. You might think this was a bad thing. The truth is it would have been if I’d not utilised it later on. Really I should skip the part where I tell you that this all happened by accident and make out that this entire event happened completely on purpose as a result of my marvellous skill set. But that wouldn’t be totally true!

So later on we went to a night club and guess who showed up?! At this moment in time there were several reactions she could have gone for. I thought she might go for blubbering wreck but to my surprise (and his) she launched straight into snot-filled-rage.

As she catapulted herself towards him, I spotted an expression in his face. In NLP we like to be very clear about the difference between a sensory observation and a hallucination (when you think you know what you have seen.)

The sensory based observation of the ex boyfriend was this:

His eyes widened
His jaw lowered
His skin tone became more pale
His forehead began to sweat
He became short of breath

The hallucination of what I saw I will call “Man-having-fear-of-ex-girlfiend.”

At this moment, I grabbed her shoulder (yes the same one as earlier) and said something like “I know that this isn’t the real feeling you are feeling towards him. Isn’t it.”

The snot filled rage fizzled and vanished and the melancholiness of earlier returned, though without the crying.

They had a conversation about staying friends and it was all ok.

When she popped to the loo a little later he came over and spoke to me. He said “I’ve no idea what you did to her, but you did something. She was ready to kill me and you defused her somehow, how did you do that?”

At that point I realised what I had done, and I realized I could really help others using NLP.

By Gemma Bailey

www.gemmabailey.co.uk

The party was held in a pub and when we arrived she introduced me to an interesting man who we’ll call Mr X. Mr X is a very well know trainer of NLP and I was a little nervous of meeting him as I knew there was a chance he would be “testing” my NLP knowledge.

Anyway. That didn’t seem to happen, or I thought it hadn’t until I reflected on the situation with hindsight.

You see about a quarter of the way through the evening, I made some remark about a large jar of pickled eggs behind the bar. “I’ve never eaten pickled eggs and never want to.”

Mr X said “You can only grow if you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone.”

I explained that this wasn’t really about growth and anyhow I didn’t want my growth to be based around pickled eggs.

Then he said “Real change can only happen if you’re willing to do something you haven’t done already.”

Using the agreement frame I replied with “I get that and I just don’t want to try any pickled eggs.”

He said “Perhaps you should stop trying and just go for it!”

I started think about taking one of those pickled eggs and stuffing it up his…

-       “All I’m saying Gemma, is that people who restrict their experiences of life are essentially dulling the edges of their own world unnecessarily.What specifically is it about the pickled eggs that prevents you eating one?”

Now it’s not that I disagree with anything he said. I pretty much teach that to my clients. The difference is that they’ve come to me asking for that kind of guidance. They have their own pickled eggs to deal with that they actually do want to eat.

Sometimes it’s just nice to talk about pickled eggs and be completely negative about them without getting meta modelled.

Then he said “If you became so curious that you just took one bite, you might discover you like them.”

I know installing curiosity is a useful thing. I get that. I just don’t like pickled eggs.

“I don’t want to. I think they are stinky and ugly and the idea of eating one disgusts me. I’ve no idea why they are on the same planet as me. No amount of rapport building is going to get me to eat a pickled egg.”

Probably his best idea came next “Then perhaps we should leave the pickled eggs to the people who can feel really blessed to enjoy them.”

My response to this probably wasn’t as resourceful as it should be.

“Blessed? Anyone who feels blessed to eat pickled eggs is a total weirdo.”

He said “Thank you for your beautiful perspective!”

Sometimes I just want to have a bad hair day, hate the weather and stub my toe without reframing it.

Sometimes I feel victimised, violated or angry and I don’t want to be blessed because of it or bless the situation or anyone else involved in it.

If all there is, is happiness and positivity then what is there to look forward to? The spectrum of emotions becomes all but a slither if we will only invite in the light and attempt to cut out the darkness completely.

I just don’t like pickled eggs. It has nothing to do with perception is projection or that my disliking of them causes my reticular activating system to get more of what I focus on or that my unconscious doesn’t process negatives.

Sometimes you can help people move to a better place by sharing advice and kind words with them, but it’s a good idea to lead them to the top of the mountain of positivity, rather than standing on top of it and shouting down to them to them about how to get up there.

No amount of “love and light” or “being in my truth” or “accepting the abundance of the universe” is ever going to change it; I just don’t like pickled eggs.

Of course time travel isn’t really possible.

Is it?

Problems from the past:

People automatically and without realizing become very talented at moving their problems through time, space and energy.

You might know someone (we all do) who is particularly good at generalizing and stating that “things always work out this way”, or “everybody does that.” Despite their generalizations being inaccurate some of the time, they continue to apply their rules to all occasions painting their generalization paint brush over a greater space than the original image and blurring the edges of the reality of the picture.

Perhaps you know someone (if you don’t it is probably you) who moves problems from the past into others. They like to share their story share their pain, zap their own energy and zap yours too. This is the classic “I have a terrible headache today – oh you know what it’s like when you’re head is just pounding and you start to feel sick…” Of course as soon as you hear “you know…” unless you are a ninja in mind voodoo then you’ll start trying on their pain.

So we can move problems through space by generalizing that problems are in places that they never were to begin with. We can move problems through energy by telling other people that they have our problem too, but can we really move problems through time?

Here is an example of how you can:

I have a problem

I did have a problem

I had a problem

I’m going to have a problem

I’m having a problem

I’ve always had problems

I’ll always have problems

I’ll always have had problems

Think about where the problem is travelling to with each sentence – the past, the present or future. Now change the word problem to happiness, adjust the sentence so it still work grammatically e.g. “I have happiness” and notice how you think or feel differently.

Doing these kind of linguistic exercises doesn’t necessarily get rid of all of the bad stuff form the past or guarantee that you’ll be wildly successful in the future, but you can get in touch with a little sense of making yourself feel lighter or heavier about things.

And what if, the problems that stayed and the happiness that came and went were actually influenced by the expectations your language created? If that were truly so wouldn’t you wish to err on the side of caution just in case you really do (not did) possess the ability to influence your experience in this vast universe? By simply saying that you did in the past, just as you do now, influence your own world and will continue to do so long into your future.

Marketing gurus would disagree. They have learned that in order to effectively sell to committed customers they fist have to give them something for nothing. Usually this takes the form of good quality content, products or services in order to later offer you something from which they make some money.

Religion though also seems to support a kind of giving to gain idea. Tithing features in Christian, Catholic and Jewish religions. Although the religions do not talk of a direct correlation between giving and gaining, tithing is encouraged to bring peace to the spirit and balance to the soul.

Lets face it, if we’re honest we’ve all been guilty of the “If I…..then I might get…..” Perhaps it’s human nature to think about how we can give to get more.

Therapists (ones that are serious about running a business anyway) work by this principal. If they give a good service, and help people resolve their challenges, they get paid. If they’re very good at it, they get paid more.

BNI, the business networking group have the slogan “givers gain.” One of their business systems is that each member brings in referrals for other members. If each member brings in a referral then ultimately everyone will gain in the long term.

Perhaps a lighter way to phase this giving to gain concept is simply to call it sharing.

If you give your skills, ideas, products or money, then those (though not all) will be compelled to share with you too. It’s a strange psychology that most people feel that they need to repay favours, gifts and the like. Most people who gain fell they need to give back in some way.

In 2010 I gave my time, energy and cash to a Charity bicycle ride, I gained a better state of fitness and a great day of bonding with friends and family members. This is a great source of giving to gain, because most of the gain was unexpected and not part of my agenda. For me it was all about the giving but I still managed to gain.

In 2011, I’m going to give you a whole day with me. In that day I’m also going to give you a day’s worth of training in mastering your mind using the NLP and Hypnotherapy skills I have developed in the last 6 years. I’m going to give you this for free but there is something I’ll need from you in return – You have to give your time and commitment to concentrate and use the skills I teach you. You give your time and energy, but it might be the best time use of your time and energy that you spend in 2011!

Learning the skills of self development is the gift that keeps on giving, because you are going to learn skills for life.

Details will be coming soon. Look out for the new People Building home page where you will be able to book onto the free event. Or take a look at the calendar to see the dates available and email info@peoplebuilding.co.uk to book your place.

I’m (as I wrote this) in the middle of an NLP Practitioner course. It’s brilliant. I love it. I love that it is full of such effortlessly simple ways of thinking to improve your results.

One of the challenges that tends to come up on a course like this though, is how people (not necessarily those on the course) respond to the knowledge that someone has NLP in their system.

A delegate mentioned how she became frustrated with a family member, and the family member responded by saying “Aren’t you an NLPer now? You’re not supposed to get angry are you?!”

It made me laugh out loud when she told me this. As if suddenly learning these new skills meant she should become a robot and no longer feel!

I may have mentioned this story before, but my NLP trainer told me a story once about when his NLP trainer (sorry it is starting to sound like an extended quote!) was in a cafe before going to teach his NLP Practitioner training course, eating a bacon sandwich. One of the delegates came into the cafe and said “Oh my god you are eating bacon! I can’t believe you’re an NLP Trainer and you’re eating meat!”

I think it is so funny that people, even NLPers themselves have this expectation that when you start to learn how to manage your emotions (instead of having them manage you) that you therefore should stop experiencing them altogether or should only chose to have “positive” emotions.

Actually all emotions have their usage and are appropriate depending on the situation. Someone’s frustration may seem wholly appropriate to them in the given context they are experiencing in their own mind. They might seem crazy to the rest of the world, but for that person, at that time, as a valid human being, they have the right to react in the way they feel is right. Everyone’s logic is unique to them and as NLPers, it is our duty to respect that unique logic and whilst nurturing people’s more resourceful emotions, for the context they are experiencing.

Yes, even anger is good! Anger has energy and movement in it. Anger allows people to express thoughts and feeling they may have had hidden away for years maybe. Anger allows us to reach physical strength to allow us to protect ourselves and those that we love if we feel violated in some way. Anger is only bad, if it is used badly.

Well of course, there is a motivation for me highlighting all of this. I recently read a comment on the People Building podcast on itunes. It said “I was moved to write this review because Gemma spent quite a bit of the podcast slagging off some negative comments about her podcast (they seem to have disappeared) they complained too much about advertising. She then finished her slagging and went into another promotional bit about further products you can buy from her! Very Un-NLP like.”

I thought this comment was interesting and mildly amusing. Firstly because I did moan about the negative comments. I even warned I was going to before I started! It’s a disappointment when I spend my hard earned money to host and produce a show for free and people moan because I use it as a platform to promote other elements of my work. Especially since the ads are 2 minutes long and there was at that time 30-40 minutes of content. That aside (the comments are still on the American Itunes) I was really tickled by the fact that expressing my disappointment and frustration is “un-NLP like.” Or perhaps it’s the making money bit that is un-NLP like? Or the informing people of products that is un-NLP like. What?! NLP is about making choices. It’s not about cutting off your emotions or hiding them. It’s about knowing how to use them, rather than having them using you. It’s also about seeing the world from others perspectives.

My point is this, it’s ok to learn NLP and still be a human being. Richard Bandler gets pis**d off sometimes, I’m certain of it! It’s also ok to read the paragraph above and know that I am not offended or in anyway frustrated or upset any longer, it only lasted for the duration of the time I actually read the comment out on the show. Funnily I had a load of other comments where people said “Don’t worry about it!” and by that time I wasn’t, the feeling had passed already.

I always say being an NLPer isn’t about becoming numb. It’s just that you spend less time feeling bad, put less energy into it and do it less frequently. Simple. Please, if you are learning NLP or know someone who is, respect your own and others emotions. Learn how to manage your state but don’t hand it over with your cash when you sign up for master practitioner training!

We call this chunking and use chunking up questions to get more global, higher concepts and chunk down to get more details and specificity.

This is useful in all communication as we are able to find out someone’s higher aims or more details about what they are sharing with us.

As an example, if we took an apple, the higher purpose could be food, energy, and higher still, survival.

If we were to get more specific on apple, we could think about specific types of apple, such as granny smiths. Or more specific on the apple itself, thinking about the core, seeds or skin.

We can also chunk sideways on apple to find out what other things are like an apple (so not more details, and not more global.) The question that would elicit the answer to what is like an apple is “what is another example of this?”

In the context of negotiation this chunking model is very useful. There is  clear process that we can follow when a negotiation becomes stuck or stifled.

Ultimately we can assume that the negotiation is occurring because there is some mutual interest – even if this is very global – such as ultimately we both want to work in a happy environment.

The next step is to chunk down and start to get more specific about how the details can be achieved. As soon as a block is hit where the parties cannot reach an agreement, then chunk up one level and then chunk sideways to move them both away from the element that had caused argument or disagreement.

Then you can begin to chunk down and look at the specific details once again.

This is a really helpful technique to use in many different scenarios, particularly in sales. Sales people will often find themselves in a negotiation situation with a potential customer without realising it is a negotiation scenario. Instead they may think it is their job to convince the customer of their point of view.

I recently had a sales person call me who was selling a rather useful service but when I asked him for more details he became quite defensive of the service and started to sound a little argumentative. He kept giving me further details about the features of the service instead of answering the more global questions I wanted answered. As a result I ended up telling him I wouldn’t buy it, not because I thought it was not useful, but because his attitude was not in alignment with my own.

Whenever you have a disagreement with someone this process can be used in conjunction with some useful linguistic techniques. Avoiding the word “but” for example which places more importance to the latter portion of the sentence and use the word “and” instead which balances out both halves of a sentence or argument.

By Gemma Bailey
www.gemmabailey.co.uk

I received an email today asking me how and when I chose which hats to wear. How do I know that it is time to put on my “NLP4Kids hat”? or if it is a “People Building hat day” or a “one to one therapy hat day.”

I had a long answer to this relatively short question, but it did get me thinking about this whole idea of different hats for different roles at different times.

You see when I completed (some years ago now) my NLP practitioner training, we did an exercise called a parts integration. You do a parts integration when there is a parts problem. A parts problem occurs when the psyche/personality fragments in someway and causes a source of in-congruence in a person. Such as someone wants something, but behaves in a way that is the opposite to achieving it. Or they want this and that but this and that are completely different to each other.

I remember being told, that we start out whole, and that wholeness of the spirit is a good thing to achieve. I also recall thinking that was totally impossible for me to achieve.

You see whilst these things are not exactly parts issues (because there isn’t conflict), I am fully aware that I behave quite differently with my mother, to how I behave with my best friend. I am different still with clients and with the lady from the post office. There are several Gemma’s available, and depending on our relationship, depends on which one you will get.

This isn’t wholeness! This is lots of hats that I wear for many different people.

Perhaps you are the same and are wondering is this a problem?

In short, I say no. As long as you can comfortably take one hat off and put on the next and enjoy some quality from each of them.

Do you know which hat you like most, which one is the one you are most comfortable in? Which one really suits you and which is the real you? If you do, then taking off and popping on hats can be a useful skill. It means you are flexible and adaptable to your situations and the company you keep. It’s a great rapport builder.

The challenges arise if you do not know which hat you are most comfortable in, or worst still, it seems that none of them are right for you anymore, but you keep forcing them on all the same, instead of remodeling and finding a better suited one.

And whilst the one same old hat is “just who you are, take it or leave it” you might be completely, genuinely experiencing wholeness or perhaps it’s just another way of saying “I am what I am and the world has to fit in with me, and not me with it” which might slightly limit your ability to connected with a wider range of people, and experience a greater wealth of experiences.

I’d love to know your thought on hats!

By Gemma Bailey
www.NLP4Kids.org