Part of the reasoning behind having licensed practitioner within NLP4Kids was to overcome this very problem. To ensure that a team who are responsible for working with children do have regular CPD.

However even with NLP4Kids, ensuring practitioner show up for retraining and webinars can be a little like herding cats! That’s why we’ve collaborated with CPD Approved. Now those who are part of the NLP4Kids team can earn the CPD Approved logo to show the world that they have continuous retraining. Even more excitingly those who are long standing members of the People Building members club can also apply to join CPD Approved.

We do of course recommend that as well as CPD practitioners have ongoing supervision and will let you know when we have found a suitable organisation to deliver this.

Here are some of the key things to remember and do in break up situations to help you get you through to the other side:

Change location. Call to mind an image of the face of the person you have broken up with. Then call to mind the image of someone you have previously separated from and got over. Notice how the location is difference. Now put the person you have broken up with in the location of the person you have got over and notice what’s different. I just tried this with Becki and she said that moving the recent ex to the place where the past ex was made him feel smaller and not so in the way of her future. Instead he was just annoying. (Which was better).

Keep a balanced memory. It’s easy if you’re feeling a bit melancholy to only remember the good times you had and what you are going to be missing out on. It’s important to remember the good times so that you don’t end up despising that person in the future but remember too the reasons why you split up. Even if you didn’t see the break up coming, the fact that they were prepared to let you go is enough to tell you that you were not meant to be together.

Remember that the bad feeling will go. It’s a grieving process and whilst you might not feel better day by day you will feel better week by week. If you were to chart your progress it would have peaks and troughs but would also show a general upward trend towards feeling better.

Standards. Use the relationship to re-evaluate the relationship standards you have for the future. If you look back on what you have just come out of and realise that there were things that you adapted to which you normally wouldn’t have accepted (like a particular level of intellect that prior to being in that relationship, if someone had asked you if that were important and you would have replied “yes” but then you disregarded that to be in the relationship you have just ended, reinstate that as a rule for next time before you go jumping in at the deep end.

Baking soda and vinegar. No one person is “bad” or horrible, they perhaps just have a different way of showing up in the world to what you do. Some two people are just not a good fit, it doesn’t mean that either of you are rubbish in anyway. I’ve probably given you this analogy before but neither baking soda or vinegar is good or bad. They both have their individual positive uses. However when you mix them together in a confined sealed space, it creates an explosion. That happens in relationships too.

Don’t look back in anger. Instead reflect on what you can learn from the experience you had. What would you do differently next time – not just what did they do wrong that you didn’t like – but how would you show up differently next time around? How could you have reacted differently in specific scenarios that would have cause something different to happen?

Most importantly of all of these things is to remember that every day you are getting better and the next time someone comes along you will make darn sure that they are of suitable enough quality before you allow them to convince you to trade in your well earned singledom.

Our NLP Practitioner Home Study Course been accredited and given the seal of approval by the DLQSC (Distance Learning & Qualifications Standards Council).

This means that as well as our usual NLP Practitioner training, there is an additional route to gaining your NLP Practitioner qualification:

Part 1: NLP Practitioner Theory
This gives you the manual and CDs plus your open book test paper, which once completed will grant you the certification award of NLP Practitioner (Part 1 Theory)

Part 2: NLP Practitioner Practical
This gives you the 7 day live training in which you will be trained and assessed on your practical application of the tools you learned from your theory training. When you attend all 7 days following the Part 1 Theory Training, you will then be awarded your full NLP Practitioner certification.

In addition, to upgrade your theory training at a later date to the practical training you will just need to pay the difference in cost.

Get Part 1: NLP Practitioner Theory here.

At the end of the session, I had the pleasure to listen in on the “hot seat”. This is when each delegate has the opportunity to talk about a problem for up to 2 minutes and the rest of the group has 5 minutes to help resolve it.

One chap had a real case of procrastination and was looking for tips on how to increase his motivation levels.

After a little bit of digging around, it transpired that although he wanted to be wealthy and successful, he wasn’t too panicked about achieving it yet. Not until he retired. When his retirement came up he knew he’d have to get serious, but for now it wasn’t too urgent.

He spoke about his comfort zone being too comfortable, not being accountable, the big why behind his goals and his ambitions. He knew all the right information yet it still hadn’t moved him forward.

Then I realised why this pain was not nearly painful enough for him (and to be clear he needed pain to move him forward because the nice fluffy image of the future wasn’t moving him).

Time.

The goals and ambitions were for later, not for now. They were for after he had retired and he hadn’t retired yet…

He knew that when he retired it would have to happen, but it didn’t have to happen now. Now it was something shat should happen, not something that must.

When I pointed this out to him he said “Oh yeah!!” I told him he had to stop thinking about this goal as something he need in the long term, distant future. He had to start thinking about the things he needs to do when he retires, as if they need to happen tomorrow. His entire future needed to sit closer on his time line, instead of way off in the distance.

The future is urgent and its about to start happening right now!

Tickets available now here.

Included Workshops:
NLP and Healthcare
NLP and Coaching
NLP and Education (Dyslexia)
NLP and Fitness
NLP and Speed Reading
NLP and The Magic of Hypnosis

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SPECIAL GUEST SPEAKER – MICHAEL GRINDER (Saturday Afternoon and Sunday Morning)

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Tickets available now here.

This month, I discovered that sometimes, people use self development to shrink their world instead of to grow it. Which I personally feel is completely the opposite point of developing one’s self.

It makes me shudder to think that as a result of finding peace within one’s mind, they would only from that point onwards allow themselves the privilege of only experiencing happiness or the typically perceived positive emotions.

And who decided which emotions were positive or not anyway? I thought they were context dependent?!

It’s a bit like having someone else dictate which jokes are funny, or which music is really good music. Of course there might be a general consensus but it will always be part of individual preference too.  As it should be!

So this month, I had a rotten old chest infection and posted on Facebook that I felt so ill I wanted to cut off my own head. Obviously I do not have a genuine desire to cut off my own head, and as a friend pointed out, the trouble in doing so is I could only ever get halfway through doing the job.

One person however responded drawing my attention to my apparent self hated which (it was implied) should not be the case for a motivational speaker.

I’ve had stuff like this said to me before. And I think it’s loony. It’s crazy to think that from this sentence:

“I feel so ill I want to cut off my own head.”

the following assumptions were made:

1. I hate myself
2. Motivational speakers shouldn’t hate themselves
3. There is a correlation between my ability to motivate others, feeling ill and removing my own head. (Ok this one might be accurate).

My response was disagreeable to the assumptions for the following reasons:

1. I don’t hate myself and never said I did.
2. I felt unwell but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have a sense of humour. It was a joke that I should cut my head off.

I definitely do not subscribe to the idea that I should only ever experience “positive” emotions in order to be a speaker. In fact I’ve made a commitment to let myself experience the vast spectrum of human emotions whilst I’m on this planet and that includes being ok about the fact sometimes I’m grumpy, grieving or ill. And I can do that illness knowing full well that tomorrow I’ll be a bit better and a bit happier and I’ll appreciate it all the more when I do.

I think that feeling obliged to always be happy in difficult situations is actually like putting on a happy mask. It’s just a mask and inside the feelings are still the same. I’d rather be honest with myself and the outside world and say “It looks like this inside today!”

Of course there is great value in noticing the silver lining on the clouds and taking goodness from bad situations. It’s helpful to help yourself feel better when you feel less than great but there’s nothing wrong in feeling bad. You have every right to stay there for as long as you like!

In my work, I tell clients not to disregard bad feeling, not to ignore them or act happy when they are clearly not. Instead I say it’s about reducing time energy and frequency of negative emotions.

• Reduce the amount of time that you spend feeling bad so that you do not live there as long.
• Reduce the energy you put into feeling bad, so it’s not as bad as it used to be.
• Reduce the frequency you return to bad feelings so that you only go back there on “special” occasions and not for any old reason.

Since I’m allowed to enjoy the contrast of being ok and not ok and am probably a better and more authentic speaker because of it.

For the last few years I have been involved in working with teams and have been in a leadership position. But many times when I am on a course or working with a group of unknown people, I will shrink back and let someone else take charge if they appear to have a bigger voice than me. I don’t feel bad about doing that at all. In fact the only time I would “put myself forward” is if no one else does, or if I really feel we are going off down the wrong track.

As I started to consider this in the last few weeks, I’ve been looking out for evidence of a more natural innate leadership streak in my personality (perhaps in the hope that there is one so I don’t have to feel as if I am acting!)

For anyone who doubts their own leadership skills, I’d recommend this as an activity. Simply taking a few weeks to recognise where in life you’ve taken command, or take the initiative to be in control in a situation.

For me, I noticed two key things that highlighted a leadership streak that I hadn’t acknowledged before or even been aware of. Others of you may disagree that these are leadership qualities and that is fine. The point is that by identifying what I think they are and noticing them happening, I have been able to offer myself “convincers” that I possess leadership qualities. Whether they have occurred due to the events in my life so far giving me learning opportunities or whether they are natural instincts I do not know, but I do not care because I have my verification that something is there and if I need to lead at a moments notice, I can.

My first example is a simple one. Have you ever had the experience of being at a mini roundabout where everyone is simultaneously giving way to each other and as such no one moves? In Hemel Hempstead (where our office is based) there is a large roundabout surrounded by 5 other mini roundabouts. Not only is it slightly confusing (because you can travel around the large round about by going either left or right which is extremely confusing for non-locals) but I have to encounter it twice every day. As such I meet the “everyone giving way simultaneously” scenario several times a week. What I have noticed is that I am usually the first person to move. I don’t sit there waiting for someone else to make the first move, I just get on with it and get the flow of traffic going. Granted it’s not qualified me to run the country, but it’s a leadership initiative all the same in my view. If I needed evidence to convince myself of this skill, this would be going on the list.

The second recent scenario happened whilst I was on holiday over Christmas. As I was asleep in my hotel bed at 3 am, the hotel alarm sounded suddenly very loudly. I thought it was either a fire or break in alarm and left the room. As I passed a neighbours door, I asked them if they had the red book which contained all the hotel contact numbers as the owners did not stay on site overnight. They looked at me in a confused way and I went back to my own room, picked up my phone and the book of contacts.

When we got outside, several people had gathered. They all looked tired and grumpy and no one was speaking to each other. I asked if anyone knew what had happened and no one did. I then asked if there were any guests missing that they had previously seen in and around the hotel and a couple said there were a family with children missing but they knew the parents had gone out for the night without the children and they didn’t know if they were back yet but they, and their children were not present or accounted for.

So I thought albeit briefly, that this was either a fire or a break in, and either way the children needed to come out, so in my pyjamas, I went back in the hotel to look for them, first thinking that if it were a break in the bar would be broken into, which it wasn’t so I assumed it was a fire instead. Luckily the children met me on the stairs to save me entering a burning building.

I got back outside and asked if anyone had called the emergency contact numbers in the book. No one had, so I did. I told the man on the phone what had happened, asked him how long it would take him to get there and also asked if he needed me to call anyone else.

I swear I have never been so articulate, organised and composed as I was at this crazy point in time!

Therefore, my second tip in building up your leadership skills is not to do so in your pyjamas, but instead to just crack on when the opportunities arise. It’s easy to be a shrinking violet, but actually it feels better to be the one who has a sense of control and if you let that happen, your instincts can often take over so it also effortless.

Now don’t freak out, I’m not about to start getting political. But there was something about the argument that was put forward in the post that struck me. The post used very emotive language. It was well laid out with a chart comparing amounts awarded on a weekly basis to both parties, highlighting how the government gave more money to illegal immigrants than to our own pensioners who had spent their lives working in this country and contributing to the economy.

For a moment, I like many people thought “This is completely unfair.” Then, and really only because I had a moment spare, I decided to look more closely. I went on the government websites to check the payments awarded to pensioners on a weekly basis. I also checked the benefits of illegal immigrants. It will probably come as no surprise to you to find out that what the Facebook post had said was not accurate. Not only were the figures wrong, but actually if someone is an ILLEGAL immigrant, no one knows they are here (because they are here illegally) so they are not entitled to any benefits at all.

Obviously there is a whole other article about the dangers of Chinese whispers and second hand information but that I’ll save for another day. What I want to focus on as a result of this is elegant arguing.

We’ve all had moments where we felt something unfair or unjust was said or implied towards us and we respond very rapidly as a result. If we do not get the facts right then our response, pitch or plea can easily become overshadowed by the point we are trying to make or defend. Invalidating what might have been a very fair and reasonable argument.

The trick is not to replied rapidly, but reasonably. It’s easy to fall into the trap of giving a quick response, rather than the right one which will instead have the other party hear and acknowledge what you want to say. This means that even though your mouth may feel as if it is burning up with words ready to explode out of your mouth, you have to breathe and think before letting them go. And as you do that breath ask yourself a couple of quality questions. The one I am continuously reminded of by those who know me (and often hear me saying it is) “Really?” As in:

“Is that really the case?”
“Is this really all of the facts?”
“Is that really what you think?”

Sometimes, I have parked someone’s provocation for a few days, before I return to it and say “I’ve been thinking about the thing you said and whilst I agreed X, I have also noticed Y and that makes not everything you said entirely accurate.”

The other important lesson to come from the example that had me write this article in the first place, is to question the arguments of others – again elegantly. It’s really easy to be an “audio passenger” and just listen to what people say without question, without finding out your own truth and instead just buying into theirs, which again may not be factually accurate. (This is why I do not read newspapers!)

To do so elegantly, you simply become a participant rather than a passenger, asking softly “Really? Because I looked into that and actually it said…..”

By Gemma Bailey
NLP & Hypnotherapy Trainer
www.HypnotherapyandNLP.co.uk

I was once working with a client who has his own business (several in fact) has a family and is also part of a project in the local community. He came to see me because he was in a state of absolute overwhelm. His employees had lost focus, his wife was completely frustrated at never spending any time with him and he didn’t have enough hours in the day to get everything done that needed doing.

When he first came to see me he knew everything that he needed to do, but knowing it overwhelmed him further because he knew he didn’t have time to attend to it.

His work was in the entertainments industry and as such he spent a lot of time visiting clients and spending one to one time with them. This made it difficult for him to do the things that would really make a significant difference to his business. He knew what he had to do, but didn’t have the time to do it. It occurred to me that if something major happened, something that would overshadow the day to day tasks, he would of course find the time to do it. So I asked him how long it would take to do one of the important tasks that he couldn’t find the time to do, a task which if he did have the time to do it, would save him a significant amount of time in the long run. He said it would take 2 days to complete the task.

Then I asked him to imagine that a major client had called him up really keen to work with him. The client needed some one to one time but importantly had requested also, that he spend two days within their organisation getting to grips with their business so he could better understand their needs. I stressed this imaginary company could pay him more than anyone has ever paid him before and there would also be repeat business. I could see he was getting excited by the prospect of my imaginary proposition.

I asked if he could find 2 days to go and visit the imaginary company and he said a very definite “Yes!”

I said “just for the sake of really playing along, what 2 days can you go to the imaginary company?” He checked his diary and told me two consecutive days. He had other stuff on but it was stuff he felt he could juggle to other days.

I had previously told this man to find a couple of days to do the tasks that would in the long run make life easier and save him time and energy. But he replied telling me he didn’t even have an hour to spare. Even though he knew the positive impact of completing these tasks, he just couldn’t find the time.

However when I presented him with an imaginary opportunity which excited him, he was able to make the time he needed.

Whilst he was completely aware of the relief he would experience by getting things done, it wasn’t enough to get him to find the time to do them. His belief that there wasn’t time got in the way. With a different framework, time appeared where it had not existed before.

I then had him put my imaginary event in his diary but told him those were the two days to complete what had now become his priority tasks.

If you have a task that you haven’t found the time to do, pretend that you need to find the time for something you would undoubtedly make time for. When you’ve realised what can be changed or moved to make way for your imaginary event, fill the time with your top priority task.

By Gemma Bailey
NLP & Hypnotherapy Trainer
www.HypnotherapyandNLP.co.uk

Enough is Enough
Essentially the shift in mindset that needs to occur within the patient is one that causes them to decide and truly believe that the anxiety no longer has permission to influence or predict how they will chose to experience and live their lives because they want to get on with being happy.

Counterconditioning
Counterconditioning can be used to reduce the intensity of a conditioned response (such as anxiety) by including an incompatible response (such as calm) to the conditioned stimulus (a snake for example).

It is important that the incompatible response evokes a very strong positive emotion in order to counterbalance the unwanted conditioned response.

Systematic Desensitisation
Symptoms can also become inhibited when the stimuli to the anxiety are presented in a graded order and systematically paired with the calming response.

The first step is to establish the calming response. Then construct an anxiety hierarchy by considering how to approach the problem one step at a time. Many people who suffer with anxiety are guilty of predicting the future in a negative way and catastrophising an event that may not even occur. For example, someone with a fear of travelling on motorways may refuse to leave their home when invited to a party without even finding out where they would need to travel to. They refuse and miss the opportunity because they have leapt into the future and witnessed a horrible accident on the motorway, when in fact if they had spent the time looking at the map instead of predicting the future, they may have come to realise there is a shorter way to reach the party that doesn’t involve the motorway at all.

In this example, the steps required may include:
Create a list of the positive reasons for going
Check the location of the party on a map
Look at the streets you would travel on Google Earth
This feels so much more achievable and at this stage the patient hasn’t even had to leave the house. This also provides some essential mental preparation and by actively working toward the desired result it reduces the feeling that the patient is not meeting other people’s expectations of them.

If a step seems too large to comprehend, the patient should take the role of breaking it down into smaller chunks. Each step should feel somewhat challenging but also manageable.

Cognitive Dissonance
When a patient reaches a stage where they know that their old way of thinking isn’t right but they do not yet completely believe in their ability to execute an alternative, this is called cognitive dissonance. It comes with a discomfort as the patients mind is attempting to support two conflicting beliefs. As uncomfortable as it may feel, it is important not to give justification to the old unwanted feelings of anxiety as cognitive dissonance is a sign that things are changing.

Balanced Thinking
A way to manage expectation and results for the future is to create alternative balanced beliefs. For example if someone had suffered with social anxiety as a result of the belief “I am not loveable” the flip side thinking would be “everyone loves me”. However this is not a balanced thought in the context of ecology and would lead to disappointment in the longer term.

Balanced beliefs could include:
“I’d very much like to find someone to love me but I can also enjoy feeling connected to people that I care about even if I do not have a meaningful relationship.”
“If I am not completely loveable by absolutely everyone I can still enjoy my life and enjoy being with people.”
“I’m a good person and I know that some people will reject me whilst to others I will be a very important person in their life.”

When a balanced belief has been chosen, the patient should think to the future and consider what their success would look and feel like once achieved. This will enable them to generate the next steps they will need to take in order to reach their goal and offers the opportunity to practise new healthy actions.

Zig Zag
If stifling unwanted thoughts occur, the zigzag technique can help the client regain control. It is the process of playing devils advocate within their own mind and if you listened into someone’s thoughts as they zig zagged, it may sound something like this:

“The dentist is going to hurt me, the drill is going to slip.”
- “The dentist is a highly skilled professional who does this every day. The drill is incredibly safe.”
“I feel sick I shouldn’t go to the dentist today.”
- “You have taken the day off today especially to go to the dentist. Focus on your breathing and you’ll soon be feeling better.”

An important element of zig zag thinking is that the defence response is as, if not more, powerful in its tonality as the attack response.

Positive Data Log
Get the patient to record every small success that helps to verify their new belief, the positive implications it has had and how they feel as a result. Also ask them to note the positive effects their successes have had on others around them.

Setbacks
If the patient appears to have increased worry, is reverting back to unhelpful strategies or had an increase in physical symptoms, bring it to their attention so that they can become aware of their own early warning signs. Revisit the skills that have been helpful in reducing stress and anxiety previously and make sure they have the opportunity to talk openly and honestly about the setback. This doesn’t necessarily mean therapy but often problems appear bigger than they really are. Talking them through can help define perspective and help them to realise they are not, and never were alone.

By Gemma Bailey
NLP & Hypnotherapy Trainer
www.HypnotherapyandNLP.co.uk