The ….’s at the end of the sentence above are space for one or more of the following:

-music is too loud

-you want to sit down at a concert

-your breasts have stretched to your belly button

- you’d rather stay in than have a night out

- you just don’t want to have sex any more

- policemen start looking too young

Recently I was listening to the radio and a well known rapper was talking about what older people would say in response to his music. He said that people would quite openly tell him that they didn’t like his work or that they thought it was rubbish. Hearing him speak he really did sound like an offended youth, thinking that people who didn’t like his music were simply out of touch with reality.

The interviewer asked him how he coped with that and he replied that in the past he used to become quite upset by people’s comments. Sometimes getting defensive and fighting back against their unsolicited feedback. This can’t be an easy thing to do, as there is a sort of in built rule that even though those older than you can be wrong, you still should respect their wrongness. That there is something about your granny saying “This isn’t bloody music, it’s just a lot of talking and shouting” that makes her right despite the fact that you might secretly enjoy a bit of Eminem.

Then he said he changed his approach to the people who told him they didn’t like his work. Instead of getting offended by it, he asked himself “Would this feedback mean as much to me if it were being said by a 4 year old?”

Of course the answer was “No!”

If a 4 year old child walked up to you and said “Your work is rubbish and I don’t like your hair” your response would probably be to say go away and think what a rude and silly child have silly moment. You would forget about it very quickly and take their comments with a pinch of salt.

You could take any offensive comment and hear/see/experience in your mind a little 4 year old saying the bad words your boss/partner/mum/whoever said. Maybe you can image it is a little 4 year old them saying it. I bet you’ll end up reacting very very differently to them!

And I wonder then, what would happen if you only ever became offended like a 4 year old. This would I believe involve saying “Well I don’t care!” Then you need to stamp you foot, march and and very quickly get distracted by an aeroplane in the sky, or do a dance or draw a picture and instantly forget about what was said and get on with doing something else instead.

By Gemma Bailey
www.HypnotherapyandNLP.co.uk

The party was held in a pub and when we arrived she introduced me to an interesting man who we’ll call Mr X. Mr X is a very well know trainer of NLP and I was a little nervous of meeting him as I knew there was a chance he would be “testing” my NLP knowledge.

Anyway. That didn’t seem to happen, or I thought it hadn’t until I reflected on the situation with hindsight.

You see about a quarter of the way through the evening, I made some remark about a large jar of pickled eggs behind the bar. “I’ve never eaten pickled eggs and never want to.”

Mr X said “You can only grow if you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone.”

I explained that this wasn’t really about growth and anyhow I didn’t want my growth to be based around pickled eggs.

Then he said “Real change can only happen if you’re willing to do something you haven’t done already.”

Using the agreement frame I replied with “I get that and I just don’t want to try any pickled eggs.”

He said “Perhaps you should stop trying and just go for it!”

I started think about taking one of those pickled eggs and stuffing it up his…

-       “All I’m saying Gemma, is that people who restrict their experiences of life are essentially dulling the edges of their own world unnecessarily.What specifically is it about the pickled eggs that prevents you eating one?”

Now it’s not that I disagree with anything he said. I pretty much teach that to my clients. The difference is that they’ve come to me asking for that kind of guidance. They have their own pickled eggs to deal with that they actually do want to eat.

Sometimes it’s just nice to talk about pickled eggs and be completely negative about them without getting meta modelled.

Then he said “If you became so curious that you just took one bite, you might discover you like them.”

I know installing curiosity is a useful thing. I get that. I just don’t like pickled eggs.

“I don’t want to. I think they are stinky and ugly and the idea of eating one disgusts me. I’ve no idea why they are on the same planet as me. No amount of rapport building is going to get me to eat a pickled egg.”

Probably his best idea came next “Then perhaps we should leave the pickled eggs to the people who can feel really blessed to enjoy them.”

My response to this probably wasn’t as resourceful as it should be.

“Blessed? Anyone who feels blessed to eat pickled eggs is a total weirdo.”

He said “Thank you for your beautiful perspective!”

Sometimes I just want to have a bad hair day, hate the weather and stub my toe without reframing it.

Sometimes I feel victimised, violated or angry and I don’t want to be blessed because of it or bless the situation or anyone else involved in it.

If all there is, is happiness and positivity then what is there to look forward to? The spectrum of emotions becomes all but a slither if we will only invite in the light and attempt to cut out the darkness completely.

I just don’t like pickled eggs. It has nothing to do with perception is projection or that my disliking of them causes my reticular activating system to get more of what I focus on or that my unconscious doesn’t process negatives.

Sometimes you can help people move to a better place by sharing advice and kind words with them, but it’s a good idea to lead them to the top of the mountain of positivity, rather than standing on top of it and shouting down to them to them about how to get up there.

No amount of “love and light” or “being in my truth” or “accepting the abundance of the universe” is ever going to change it; I just don’t like pickled eggs.

You might be wondering after reading the title of this article why it is that I’m presupposing a major catastrophic event. That in doing so I am sending a signal out to the universe to create one for myself, and you could be right. But I also want to be realistic about what life has to offer. I went recently to see a very well respected Past Life Regression therapist and spiritualist. It’s not the way I normally approach resolving issues but I thought it would be enlightening and good practise- and it was. What was interesting is that the therapist, who is very highly regarded in the UK, said “Every time we think we have got rid of our stuff (technical term for negative emotions that are still causing a problem and are related to significant emotional events of the past) new stuff happens, new challenges come up and create more stuff. Unless you are on a mountain meditating all day, it’s very difficult to go through life without some degree of stuff there.”

The “stuff” in question doesn’t have to be related to a major catastrophic event, but it could be. That purely depends on your perception of it. Those who have experienced major catastrophes, quite often think back on them later, and see them as a Turning Point, an indication to change life in some way or even a blessing. I was watching The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success (see Who Were Lovin’ section) and was listening to Olivia Newton-John describing her breast cancer as a blessing. There can’t be many who feel that way about cancer, and whilst that might not have been her in-the-moment thought about it, that is certainly her perception now. By reframing the meaning of cancer, it has in a sense become a blessing. What others may perceive as a major catastrophic event, for her was a blessing.

Now let’s just think about the nitty-gritty of that. Even if a cancer came and went, which frame of it would have you feeling better in the moment of now. “I recovered from cancer (thank god) and it was a major catastrophic event in my life” or “I recovered from cancer (thank god) and can now see its presence was a blessing.” Of those two thoughts, which one still has fear attached to it? Which one says “if it comes back I already know I’ll be ok” which one says “it will shake up my life with some negative implications” and which one says “it will shake up my life and good things may come from it”? Therefore which one has the most power? For me, it’s the blessed one. I know that won’t be true for everyone, some people feel more armed for a good fight if they are anticipating a major catastrophic event. And that’s ok, there is certainly a lot of adrenaline for fight in fear. I just happen to think that fighting a major catastrophic event shouldn’t be done from a place of fear. I’m not even sure you should fight. How would it be to dance with a major catastrophic event and all the while know that ultimately you will be ok, you are loved and good things will come from it eventually?

Like I said, one day these works will come back to bite me on the arse on a day when I am experiencing what at that moment in time I consider to be a major catastrophic event. Someone will send me an email/write something on Facebook etc saying, “but Gemma, this isn’t a major catastrophic event, it’s just your perception of it!” And I’ll probably call them a smarty pants and grumble for a bit. But knowing what I know, I always say to my clients it’s all about time, energy and frequency. It’s ok to react, feel bad etc after all we’re only human. I’ll let myself off the hook as long as the amount of time feeling sorry for myself is not too long (measured only on a scale of my own grumpiness) the amount of energy I spend feeling bad isn’t too much and that I don’t return to indulging in the catastrophically bad thought as much as I could do.

By Gemma Bailey
www.NLP4Kids.org